AS THE TORTILLA BURNS – Chapter Thirteen

 

    Making the Final Decision 

During the time before I left, I had 45 days to think about what is was exactly that I wanted to do with the rest of my life.   My thoughts raced from the time I put my house on the market to be sold, this was a bold move on my part. I was considering what consequences would result from joining forces with my inner desires. I was aware of painful outcomes of bad choices, rather than focusing on the dynamic tension of the choosing itself.  There was a split between my side that felt empowered and the side that felt unworthy and dependent.  My mission, should I choose to accept it, was to believe in the project wholeheartedly and then create a inner harmony for my self.   I had the mental resources and self discipline to be fully prepared before I began this project.  I had learned how to prepare myself before I would undertake a project.  I demonstrated the value of thinking things through from the beginning.  I researched, evaluated before I would commit my time energy.  

A rising tide of opportunity was lifting my spirits, the winds were whipping up and adventure and creativity was in the air.  I challenged myself to calm my aroused instincts, angers and desires without suppressing a life force to the point where vitality was lost.  A new beginning requires new energy and concentration, I needed to analyze my past, so I could drift with this new current. I was distilling everything that was worthwhile from my memories and trying to get as much value from it as I could.  Using the best of hindsight and employing new strategies and trying new angles on recurring issues.  I was choosing a new path and letting go of a life that I had worked so hard for.  My family and friends who would  never understand my decisions, I needed to exercise as much independence as I could handle.  I was going with my intuition, this was the time to make my move.  Every fiber of my being was saying this is a great opportunity, even if the people around me weren’t convinced. This was a great moment in my entrepreneurial growth, I would make my move and sort the details out later. 

I spent time visualizing what my life would be like, I drew pictures of houses I would to have, I thought a great deal about opening and Inn. Visualization is a very strong aspect to my personality.  Thinking hard and long about a possible outcome usually worked quite well for me.  A great tool!  I thought this experience would keep me meeting new people while allowing time to write.   I the idea of being in a service to others, would give me a chance to atone for some my past mistakes.  The chance to live in another culture would enable me to move among all classes of people.  Living in the United States affords one a very affluent way of life.  This would be a time for me to grow and  learn to appreciate all that I had.  I was willing to make a wise decision, I knew that I would have to live with consequences of this choice, which was now in my hands.  I needed to be sure I was willing to live with the outcome.  Once things were further set in motion it would be too late.

Taking a deep look inside to understand what was motivating me, I had tendency to be pessimistic or depressed..  Was I still nursing a past injury or trauma.  Was my divorce clouding my vision, was I running away.  I seemed to be getting on with the rest of my life, I was moving on, however, was I resisting healing.   Was I nursing old wounds from painful loss of faith and trust, this was the time to scrutinize my current motives.

I spent a great deal of time in mediation and pray, turning myself inside out searching for the right answers.  This was not going easy for me to do. I was preparing for an opportunity to be challenged on a deep level and I was desperately accepting that the experience would change me. I was confronting my fear of being alone and acknowledging the different limits I had put on my self because of that fear.  In the name of being safe I have adhered to lower standards that I was capable of achieving.  I resisted striking out on my own.  I had bargained away creativity and joy to avoid being challenged, I knew these tradeoff never worked. 

As I reviewed my situation realizing that it simply did not work anymore for me, it was time to cut my loses.   I could see how much time and energy I had put into a way of life that was just not right or me.  I hoped that if I could do this I would look back on my life and see this as turning point, an opportunity to heal as I shed a heavy burden that was weighing me down.

It was getting near to the time to let my self fly!  Whatever motivated me in the past no longer applied, it was apparent that the situation in Tahoe was not going to turn out as I had wished.  It didn’t mean it was destined to turn out badly, reality takes a bite out of every dream.  It’s a natural adjustment to any ideal or vision.  Sometime we have to accept a humbling development.

Although I needed to work through some disappointment, I wasn’t going to let it undermine my new enthusiasm.  I hadn’t done anything wrong or walked the wrong path or followed the wrong guidance.  A zig zag path was just the nature of the path.  You win some you lose some.  I wasn’t going to let setbacks take me out of the game.

The deficiencies of my previous leadership had been serious enough to leave things in a state of disarray.  Even though a lot of what happened wasn’t my fault, I had been called upon to take up the burden and make things right.  I was getting ready to open like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly that will emerge with new wings.  It appeared that either accidentally or intentionally I was heading towards an encounter with some catalytic force that would transform my personality.  My sense of identity was being reformed.  A sense of reunion prevailed, as I assimilated all my fragments into a larger sense of self. Uniting with the incarnation of my various self, incarnations of the same soul meeting in a timeless place.

As the weeks flew by, while packing up my house I began to realize that I had completed what I set out to do.  My life long ambition to write appeared to be approaching, a circumstance that previously only existed in my imagination.  After years of effort and struggle, matters seemed absurdly easy now.  My ambition, inspiration and perseverance were taking me towards my desired outcome.  I had drawn my arrow and hit the target with the style of a skillful archer.  I was inhabiting what used to be only a dream. 

In three weeks the movers would be coming to take away my belongings to put into storage for undetermined amount of time.  I was getting ready to spring into action, encouraged by energetic movement toward activity.  I would need to be ready to make my move soon, so making sure that I was fully prepared was driving me forward.  The unpredictability of life creates both the largest challenges and the greatest opportunities.   My job was to tend to the gardens needs and be willing to forgo on my own.  The key was to discipline myself and seek out humbly the most trustworthy advisors I could find.  I felt something of great value was coming my way soon, probably something on the material plane.  Maybe after all the years of struggling along, I would finally reach a point where I could live comfortably from my efforts.  Sometimes no trust fund or trustee can save an heir from making bad investments.  Nevertheless, is was to my best interest to seek out the most trustworthy advisors and let them tutor me so I could be prepared for the bounty when it comes.

Roger was the only person I knew well, living in Mexico, he tutored me in all the aspects of buying property.   I trusted his judgment completely.  Not only did he own property in Mexico,  he was also a CPA and advised me repeatedly on how to invest wisely in Mexico.

You can understand all these emotions on an analytical level, but to apply what you’ve learned, you need to process it using another, deeper type of understanding. Once the light dawns, it’ll never fade.

The Eight of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in denial or blocking. ‘Don’t even go there.’ I will not let myself be limited, paralyzed, held hostage or alienated by fear or fantasy that relies on exploitive emotional rescue, sacrifice of truth, or victimization. I will not be a prisoner to my own perceptions or expectations. Why did Cinderella stay? Do I want to be right or alone? Why have I placed a mental gag order on my own suffering or thinking? I am empowered to question or endure by virtue of my own self-worth because there is no honor in sacrificing my self to victimhood.

The last night in the empty house, sleeping on floor, while the moon shed its light upon me, this would be the last night I would spend in the house I had taken care of.  Everything was cleaned, garage swept, windows washed and my truck sat waiting in the driveway with a fully packed utility trailer.  The cats were ready in there carry cases and the dogs eagerly waited by the door, knowing that we were all going somewhere.  I left at dawn, the sun just barley peaking over the mountain, I turned my wheels out the drive way to head out to highway 80 for the trip back to Rosarita Beach.  A very freeing experience.

~ by clairedelores on May 15, 2008.