AS THE TORTILLA BURNS – Chapter Eleven

 

   I called this my Week of Confusion, Manuel leaving the way he did, had left me feeling uneasy.  Had I been reading too much into that relationship?  Manuel seemed to know a hidden truth, was that why he was writing me poems of pirates and unconsummated love?  I looked at the two rings that I wore. The Ruby Ring I had bought while on that trip through Central and South American, I bought in a antique store in Buenos Aires. The other one was the Lapis one Leo had given me on my 21st birthday.  It seemed as though I had done everything to bring this situation to a conclusion.  I had exhausted a full range of possibilities and all of my creative energy had been put to good use.  Maybe this was a good time to lay down my concerns and enjoy a rest.  There was nothing more to bring to the mission, I need to regenerate and restore my energy.

I was confused by what I had found, Manuel was holding something back and I knew it, but why?  Leo, seemed to be in my path for growth.  My past was repeating itself, the same lessons over and over again.  Resistance, Judgement, Fear, Morals and Compassion were the themes that kept resurfacing.  My path was erratic and unclear, necessitating new choices every few steps.  Maybe making no moves that could produce permanent consequences, until I could work my way through this period of confusion.  Maybe the uncertainty would pass and I would be able to see clearly the path to peace again.

I continued with my translation of Diego’s Diaries, the translations were difficult, even after translating them into English.  The words were so old, it took hours to interpret one page.  Parts of Diego’s life were coming into focus.  The incident of family drowning was very evident in his diaries and the pain he felt.  His wife Isabel had been from Spain and she had married Diego in 1774 in Buenos Aries.  They had 10 children, three were born in Spain, seven lost at sea, all were under the age of nineteen.  One died as an infant, one son died at the age of nineteen in Spain and one son lived through the incident, Carlos Antonio Alvear.  I had read a book written a book on his life as well, but it only detailed his political career never mentioning his personal life or family.   

Then I found something very interesting, Diego had 3 daughters who died on that voyage.  The eldest Manuela was 15, he was taking her to Spain to put her in a convent.  She seemed to be in some kind of trouble and he was taking her away.  In the diaries, he felt terrible for what he had done.  Diego had actually watched the ship sink with his family aboard, there were five ships in all, the British sank only the one carry his family.  They searched through the wreckage to find survivors  there were none.   He had watched them perish right in front of his eyes.

Researching the little bits of information from the diaries written 113 years ago, about a family that lived and died 200 years before, was keeping me confident at the task of attempting to grasp more and more information.  My focus and the attention to this project were bringing deep fundamental changes with a far reaching consequence that was emerging from my life.  Allowing my imagination and originality to operate in the situation, creative solutions were sure to rise.  I needed to transform chaos into a higher order.  Feeling as though, my angels were handing me a torch of light and saying “Please keep this aloft for a little while.  We won’t make you hold it too long.  Another runner will be sent to collect from you.”  Taking a boarder view would help to clearly see how to translate past experience into fuel for the future.  My past was not limiting my future.  I was learning from past experiences and adjusting future plans and goals.  Watchful for the insight, because it would provide lucid information into a pattern that had always been a mystery to me.  Seeing clearly that I was not trapped in a predestined reality, but able to creatively reinterpret my circumstances and create new out comes.  To realize that I was not merely the result of my past, but who I was would result of responding to future opportunities as they rose.  A forward point view would change everything.

Leo was resisting me, his ego was strong, almost too strong for me.  It seemed he may be thinking in a all or nothing manner right now, seeing things in terms of extremes.  His mind set up to view the consisting of opposing, mutually exclusive contracts, there wasn’t a lot of room for flexibility.  I was trying to encourage open mindedness, not to block the light of awareness that was moving through me.  Leo was being tempted by the fantasies of a life of ease.  I was trying to keep him remembering that a patient path of steady effort would more likely to result in gains he could keep.

I had worked hard all of my life for my accomplishments, I would never jeopardize my freedom.  The thought of not being part of my son’s life or the lives of my grandchildren were much stronger than a life with Leo as he was today.  I realized that he had only known his life, as an outlaw, and was holding on to that thought, the fear of change had him terrified.  The stress in his life to change made him want to skip the responsibilities that secure the foundation of an important dream.  His behavior was gambling with the future.  No one prefers hard work, but yet this is how one turns a dream into reality.  It’s best when you can do the work as a team, providing motivation for each other on the difficult days.  This would require learning about things rather than not being responsible.  I was more attuned to the greater good and was willing to accept the responsibility of leadership.   Having confidence in my strength and compassion was allowing me to stand in for Leo for a while.  It was part of my souls’s growth to serve as some kind of sacrificial lamb.  I had elected for this, for special reasons, I knew I was strong enough and that it wouldn’t be fatal or cause me any permanent change.  In my great compassion I saw that I could help Leo who was vulnerable to repeating the same choice over again.  I needed to try.

Manuel had left on Sunday morning and I had turned my energy inward.  Confused by the signals, messages and the people in my life.  I needed to steady myself, get control and find my center.  I spent the week writing a letter to Leo, it was his birthday on Friday and I was putting together a package of cards. Wednesday after my class, I went to the post office to mail Leo’s package.  When I arrived there was a letter from Leo, it was very disturbing to me.

Dear Claire,
You have to remember that I’ve been living by my wits as an outlaw even before we met.  Taking calculating risks has been an important ingredient in my personal development.  I’ve become a master of opportunity and a wizard in improvising.  I know I don’t have many years left to live and I certainly don’t want to spend  them here.  Try and remember I am not a house cat that plays with balls of yarn.  I’m a full grown tiger.

You make my blood flow in places that make me feel alive.  There are only two women in my life that I’ve cried over.  One was my mother while I was scratching her back and holding her hand before she died.  The other was you, when I knew that you were gone forever, that day you said it was over, at your Father’s ranch.  I will never get over either one.  Forgiving is another matter.  We can never go back and change anything.  All we really have is right now, to live with possibilities in the future.  Somebody once said if you really love someone you have to be able to let them go, so they can continue on their path towards self awareness.  But if they should return to you, love them forever.  I’m going to be out of mix for awhile and you never know when a new love is going to drop in on your life.  If you are still available by the time I’m finished with this mess, I would love to try a commitment.  We both know that love alone isn’t enough.  But, I think we both understand now if we can include trust and mutual respect to the partnership it will hold together against anything that fate throws our way.  I Love You, Claire

Love, Leo

I quickly wrote him a reply while sitting in my car and mailed it.

Dear Leo,
I have a  few things to say, I liked the Tiger part, do you growl, scratch and paw?  But, you have to remember I am not a little girl anymore.  I am a full grown woman and I am like a Tigress now.  Protective of the ones I love and I have been hunting alone for a very long time.

I know that I hurt you deeply for that I am truly sorry.  Are you ever going to forgive?  I had a baby out of wedlock at the age of 15.  You did not marry me, drugs were more important to you and always have been.  I have had many tough years.  But what I have today, is mine and no one can take it away from me.  I had to make a tough decision when I left you, but things seem to find a way for the good.  I am happy and at peace.

It really pains me to hear you talk about new tricks.  The Devil can teach you all kinds of things, not many, are really that useful in the long-run.  The choice is always yours, but I need to tell you, if that is your choice, it would be better not to be a part of our lives.  I don’t want to have to answer anymore questions, when they say “Where is Papa, Mema?”  Shane will be a very hard nut to crack, he has buried his feelings for you very deep, I can tell you it won’t be easy.  You don’t walk back into someone’s life after 20 years and say, “Hi, Honey I’m home”.

When it comes to relationships, commitments are something you make, not try. I have said I was sorry to you so many times, yet I have never once heard you utter those three little words “I’m sorry, Claire” or even accept any responsibility for your own part.  Somehow this has got all turned around.

I will be a friend to you, I really can’t be much more.  When you are ready to make that decision after you are released. We will see what kind of life you choose, if you want to see Shane or any of the children you can write I will be happy to give you his address and phone number.  

I will keep my door open to you, Leo.  I’m not closing it shut, but you need to understand that I am not easily swayed, I only wanted to help if I could.

Claire

I wanted to believe him, I hadn’t seem him in over twenty years.  I was willing to serve the greater good, for I knew if I did, goodness would be returned.  In love there are always sacrifices and challenges in choosing a partner.  I was at a crossroads and could not take both paths. To partake of a higher ideal often requires sacrificing the lesser option.  The path of pleasure eventually leads to distraction from spiritual growth.  The gratification of personality eventually gives way to call from the spirit as the soul matures.  The choice, is the choice of evolution over perfection or the choice of personal growth through relationship, instead of a fantasy where everything falls into place perfectly and is taken care of without effort.

I was going to keep the communication open with Leo, I realized that I had made a commitment to myself to see him through this.  It frighten me a bit, there could be a transformation or awakening on his part.  Maybe he would realize that I was an angel and had mixed up special medicine for him to take to heal his past.  Maybe my influence will help him shift his focus and awaken to a sweeter, harmonious and nourishing life.  He had spent so many years living without anything like this and it aroused suspicion, if he would relax and not resist it.  It might help him to soften and learn to trust again.  Just because his past had been difficult and lonely didn’t mean he had to live that way for ever.

I spent Friday at the beach, laying on the sand watching the waves.  Warm sun, no wind, I lay there for hours just letting thoughts drift through my head.  When I returned home, I found I couldn’t sit still.  Roger had called to say he was in town and invited me out for a drink, so I decided that would be a great idea.  Rene’s the local bar was crowded when I walked in, Roger was sitting at the bar having a beer, happy to see me when I slid in next to him.  “It’s nice to see you out, Claire” he said.  “Ya, I just can’t sit at home anymore right now, I’ve got to get my head out of that book” I replied.  “So what do you want to drink, It’s on me tonight” and he gave me hug and punch on the arm, like I was one of the guys.  “A beer please, a dark beer” I ordered, giving Roger a peck on the cheek.  

 We sat at the bar for hours listening to music, the Marachi Band played, it was fun.  It was hard to talk it was so loud, but for me, I couldn’t hear all that stuff in my head anymore and that was good.  The dance band started and I asked just about every guy at the bar to dance that night, I was having a blast.  I had gone back to my seat at the bar and was starring out across the room, when I thought I spotted Manuel.  He was sitting with some friends, I wasn’t sure if it was him, I didn’t have my glasses on. 

Just then he appeared in front of me.  “Hi Claire, nice to see you out, how are you,” he smiled. “ I’m fine, just out with my friend Roger, here”, Hi, Roger, he quipped.  Roger leaned over to me and rolled his eyes and said to me very quietly, “You need to watch out for that guy”, “Ya, Why” I said, “He’s married Claire”, “I know Roger, I’m a big girl, I don’t fall for married guys, you know that.”     And he left it at that. 

 Manuel asked me join his table, I said yes and walked over to meet his friends.  In a few minutes I was uncomfortable and told Manuel that.  I didn’t understand why we couldn’t be friends, I enjoyed his company and then sex came up again.  I finally gave in and agreed to sleep with him, I just couldn’t take anymore.  Then he said, “Of course, I can’t leave my wife”, “Fine” I said.  It was more than that, it was the book, the story, everything, he seemed so frighten by it.  He asked if he could drive me home and I said yes.  Then he excused himself and went to the men’s room, I got up and walked out the door got in my truck and drove myself home, alone.  I locked the gate behind me and went to bed.

I spent the next day lounging around, reading, watching movies.  I was supposed to go to an afternoon party, I got up, showered, gave myself a facial and was ready to go.  Then I just stopped, I couldn’t bear to go out.  The bell rang at 10:00 pm, I didn’t answer.  I knew it was Manuel.  I went to bed at 10:30 and fell asleep and at 2:00am the bell was ringing again, this time it went on for 10 minutes.  I knew it was Manuel, someone was calling through the bathroom window.  I did not get up.  I needed to put some distance between us, I was very disappointed.  Finally  the bell ringing and shouting stopped and I went back to sleep.  The next morning when I got up there was a note under the gate. 

It read:
Claire, I have been by twice since last night and you have not been home.  I am worried about you.  I hope your meeting with the owners of Castillo Del Mar went well.  Please Please Please, keep writing your novel.  It is a story of pure genius.

Later that afternoon I went out to my truck and just outside my door was a circle of stones with flowers on top.

I never saw Manuel again.  It took me a while to figure out what that was all about.  In some ways, I think Manuel was the ghost of Diego.  He opened the door and guided me in some way. Diego had been there.  When Diego first appeared to me in my vision, he looked the way he did before he died.  I didn’t recognize him, he was there to say he was sorry.  I think the Ruby Ring was a gift to be given to me, when he put me in the convent  The ring was at least 200 years old, I had it appraised.  Feeling hurt and dejected, he appeared later in Manuel, as he looked when I drowned. I recognized him as Diego my Father.  Manuel was really unaware of what was going on, he was a man being lead by physical attraction.   I had found one of the faces in my vision and soon the face of the other would appear. 

~ by clairedelores on May 15, 2008.